Just missing my Daddy...

Just missing my Daddy... My mind sometimes goes back to December 31, 2011, Around 9:00AM, after I had finally gone off to sleep for a while, the nurse comes in to talk to me. She tells me that they are about to take my daddy off life support. I said "okay." because I had heard that almost all night. Papa comes to sit next to me and says "this is it...if he takes a breath, they will try to help him...and if not.....he will be with Jesus.." That's when it hit me that it was really happening. My daddy really might not be here with me...he might really be gone from this world....forever.. Everyone but Ashley went back to be with my mom. I just couldn't go back there to watch. I had seen too much already, I couldn't stand to see anymore. So, I waited in the waiting room for them to let me know what was happening... A few minutes later, I hear.."Rachel...he's gone.." That's all I remember hearing as pastor comes to tell me my daddy went to heaven...I cried and cried....he cried with me.. We both cried and hurt for a long time. Just standing there, in the waiting room. Pastor understood exactly what i was going though. How much it hurt...the terrible feeling inside that just feels like your heart is literally tearing into a million pieces. A hurt that I had never had before.. A hurt so real.. I can't even really describe how much I hurt. I cried and cried and they sat me down and some people were telling me it would be okay and they were sorry he was gone and how He was with Jesus now.. I don't remember much after that..just a ton of crying and hugs from people. Someone said I needed to be with my mom. They led me out to the hallway because I didn't want to go back there with my dad..so I see my mom, and all the family gathered around us...I realized its just us now... My dad was dead back there in a room. Gone. His body lifeless. I couldn't go to him, and he tell me everything was okay, or hug me, and tell me it would all be Better later on.. He wasn't there anymore... He was really gone. We stayed in the circle for a long time and I just cried and held on to my mom..I could hear people talking and praying around me. Everything was just to unreal. When I finally looked up, I could see people coming in from the elevators and looking at us and probably got the idea..and some even cried a little themselves. It felt good to be with all the family..it was good to know that we weren't alone, and had everyone here for us. We stayed at the hospital for a few hours after, waiting on the funeral home and papers and all that stuff. When we left, We went home to get some of our things and go to nana's. At home, When I went inside of their room, there were still bloodstains on the floor..I couldn't wait to get out of the place. After that, We headed to nana's. I don't remember much about that night except a few visitors.. Kelsi, Bro. And Sis. Short, and others coming over and me talking to them. Later later on Ashley and George stayed up late with us. Till like 4 or 5 in the morning!! We talked all this through, them and me and mom. We just kept repeating it all over and over...still in shock that all this really happened. Sunday morning..we were picking out funeral songs, and Crying for me by Toby Keith was one. I went to let my mom hear it. The first verse.. *Got the news on Friday mornin’ But a tear I couldn’t find You showed me how I’m supposed to live And now you showed me how to die I was lost till Sunday mornin’ I woke up to face my fear While I’m writing you this goodbye song I found a tear. * It really hit me. Because he died Friday morning, and I heard it on Sunday morning... He really wasn't here! It all seemed like a huge dream..It was so crazy.. After church Kristen,Brittany, the Waldep's, the Bundy's and others came over...it was nice to have them there. I don't remember much until the viewing... I didn't wanna look at my dead dad. I walked up with Steve.. I had my eyes closed. I wasn't going to look. Everyone said he looked really good and thought it would be the best if I did. When I finally did..what I saw scared me so bad. That did NOT look like my daddy at all. I finally could look at him later on...but I didn't expect to see him look so bad. Everyone said he looked good considering what he went through at the hospital. I still couldnt believe it..it just all seemed so unreal. Ooh lol...I remember going shopping with curlers in my hair;) that was funny..this was before the viewing at the church. There were a lot of people there. At the funeral...wow, it was weird.. But it was an amazing funeral. My daddy really had a good going away party. He would have been very proud! The next day was the graveside funeral. I rode in a limo!..and I had my 2 CIA agents that day with me..The Steve's!;) My dads graveside was really neat. It was just too by unreal then. Like everything I had been through was a dream. A numbing feeling.. So unreal. It was like I could tell what happened but it was like someone else's experience, not mine. It's kinda been like that since then. When everyone left, it was hard. Some people just think after the funeral everything is okay and don't realize that's the hardest part. Since then, some times, the pain is so real it's hard to breath sometimes.. I've had good days and bad days. More bad than good. I don't like being home.. that's the hardest part for me, but with God's help we are making it.. I just need to accept the fact life is changed now. I've only gotten through this "new" life by the help of God, my family, friends, church, and youth group.. I have so many people to be thankful for.. It will get easier and I'll be okay..maybe not every day...but I'll try! I've just gotta keep my head up and know everything will be okay and I'm not alone..I have lots of people here for me. That's it for now... -Rachel B.