Happy First Birthday in Heaven...

Today is a rough day, another first of many… Today my dad would be celebrating his 44th birthday with us. Instead, almost a year since his unexpected death, we will be “celebrating” without him.
It’s amazing how fast the last year has gone, yet how unreal it still seems at times. Even though a year has passed, the sadness is still as unbearable at times as it was that very first day. These next few months will be very rough, as we will be experiencing first holidays without him, without his funny jokes, big smile, and just a “brighten up the room” personality, It won’t be the same…/:
I have a lot on my mind, but not a whole lot to say..
I'm so thankful for Jesus to pick me up and carry me through the hard times.
He's my refuge through my storm..every-time I think I can't make it, He's right there to show me he's here to lead and guide me down the right path..
So, as hard as it is to say, Happy Birthday Daddy... and happy first birthday in heaven! No birthday could be better than a birthday in heaven, and I can only imagine just how amazing it must be. I know you are enjoying spending time with King Jesus and your momma, and other saints that have already gone on to their reward... I miss you more than words can express, and can’t wait until we see each other again someday.

To: Daddy, 11-19-2010 "REMEMBER" Remember the first time you held me in your arms? Remember the first time you looked at me and smiled? Remember when you and I together used to eat lucky charms? Remember how proud you were to tell your friends "Look, There's my child?" Almost another year has gone by. It's about two and a half weeks until December. Time sure does fly. I'm glad we have all of these memories to remember. I remember you in the good times and the bad. I remember how you gave me butterfly kisses. or how you helped me with the dishes. There are so many wonderful times we had. As time goes by, and your birthday get's near, Your baby girl wants you to know of all the wonderful memories she cherishes in her heart of the most wonderful DAD in the world. I hope you have a Happy Birthday. A good day with family and friends. I hope it turns out that on the first of December You will have a day, That You will always remember.

My Mom, some family/friends and I have been going through the house, packing and going through things. I came across some more poems that I wrote my dad.. This particular one was sometime in the year 2009 after Nana Kathy passed away.. If Nana were here right now, I'd know what she would say "Danny will you do this for me?" And you would do it right away. We know you loved her very much And she loved you back the same. If she were here today, She would look at you with her brown eyes And say "Danny, I'm proud your my son, I thank-you for everything you have done. But, As much as you loved her, I know you wouldn't take her back because she is with Jesus now. She's watching over you with her wing's spread about, and trying to keep you on the right track. For she knows without a doubt She will see you again someday. Just remember when you miss her, She is still with you and holding your hand, Guiding the way to that promised land Where you will see each other again one day.

Kizoa slideshow: Daddy's girl slideshow - Slideshow

Just missing my Daddy...

Just missing my Daddy... My mind sometimes goes back to December 31, 2011, Around 9:00AM, after I had finally gone off to sleep for a while, the nurse comes in to talk to me. She tells me that they are about to take my daddy off life support. I said "okay." because I had heard that almost all night. Papa comes to sit next to me and says "this is it...if he takes a breath, they will try to help him...and if not.....he will be with Jesus.." That's when it hit me that it was really happening. My daddy really might not be here with me...he might really be gone from this world....forever.. Everyone but Ashley went back to be with my mom. I just couldn't go back there to watch. I had seen too much already, I couldn't stand to see anymore. So, I waited in the waiting room for them to let me know what was happening... A few minutes later, I hear.."Rachel...he's gone.." That's all I remember hearing as pastor comes to tell me my daddy went to heaven...I cried and cried....he cried with me.. We both cried and hurt for a long time. Just standing there, in the waiting room. Pastor understood exactly what i was going though. How much it hurt...the terrible feeling inside that just feels like your heart is literally tearing into a million pieces. A hurt that I had never had before.. A hurt so real.. I can't even really describe how much I hurt. I cried and cried and they sat me down and some people were telling me it would be okay and they were sorry he was gone and how He was with Jesus now.. I don't remember much after that..just a ton of crying and hugs from people. Someone said I needed to be with my mom. They led me out to the hallway because I didn't want to go back there with my dad..so I see my mom, and all the family gathered around us...I realized its just us now... My dad was dead back there in a room. Gone. His body lifeless. I couldn't go to him, and he tell me everything was okay, or hug me, and tell me it would all be Better later on.. He wasn't there anymore... He was really gone. We stayed in the circle for a long time and I just cried and held on to my mom..I could hear people talking and praying around me. Everything was just to unreal. When I finally looked up, I could see people coming in from the elevators and looking at us and probably got the idea..and some even cried a little themselves. It felt good to be with all the family..it was good to know that we weren't alone, and had everyone here for us. We stayed at the hospital for a few hours after, waiting on the funeral home and papers and all that stuff. When we left, We went home to get some of our things and go to nana's. At home, When I went inside of their room, there were still bloodstains on the floor..I couldn't wait to get out of the place. After that, We headed to nana's. I don't remember much about that night except a few visitors.. Kelsi, Bro. And Sis. Short, and others coming over and me talking to them. Later later on Ashley and George stayed up late with us. Till like 4 or 5 in the morning!! We talked all this through, them and me and mom. We just kept repeating it all over and over...still in shock that all this really happened. Sunday morning..we were picking out funeral songs, and Crying for me by Toby Keith was one. I went to let my mom hear it. The first verse.. *Got the news on Friday mornin’ But a tear I couldn’t find You showed me how I’m supposed to live And now you showed me how to die I was lost till Sunday mornin’ I woke up to face my fear While I’m writing you this goodbye song I found a tear. * It really hit me. Because he died Friday morning, and I heard it on Sunday morning... He really wasn't here! It all seemed like a huge dream..It was so crazy.. After church Kristen,Brittany, the Waldep's, the Bundy's and others came over...it was nice to have them there. I don't remember much until the viewing... I didn't wanna look at my dead dad. I walked up with Steve.. I had my eyes closed. I wasn't going to look. Everyone said he looked really good and thought it would be the best if I did. When I finally did..what I saw scared me so bad. That did NOT look like my daddy at all. I finally could look at him later on...but I didn't expect to see him look so bad. Everyone said he looked good considering what he went through at the hospital. I still couldnt believe it..it just all seemed so unreal. Ooh lol...I remember going shopping with curlers in my hair;) that was funny..this was before the viewing at the church. There were a lot of people there. At the funeral...wow, it was weird.. But it was an amazing funeral. My daddy really had a good going away party. He would have been very proud! The next day was the graveside funeral. I rode in a limo!..and I had my 2 CIA agents that day with me..The Steve's!;) My dads graveside was really neat. It was just too by unreal then. Like everything I had been through was a dream. A numbing feeling.. So unreal. It was like I could tell what happened but it was like someone else's experience, not mine. It's kinda been like that since then. When everyone left, it was hard. Some people just think after the funeral everything is okay and don't realize that's the hardest part. Since then, some times, the pain is so real it's hard to breath sometimes.. I've had good days and bad days. More bad than good. I don't like being home.. that's the hardest part for me, but with God's help we are making it.. I just need to accept the fact life is changed now. I've only gotten through this "new" life by the help of God, my family, friends, church, and youth group.. I have so many people to be thankful for.. It will get easier and I'll be okay..maybe not every day...but I'll try! I've just gotta keep my head up and know everything will be okay and I'm not alone..I have lots of people here for me. That's it for now... -Rachel B.

For Nana Kathy

For Nana Kathy I wrote this the night nana kathy passed away..I couldn't sleep and it was the first poem I've ever written.. God needed one more to fill the empty space. He looked around and saw your sweet face. When you stopped breathing, we knew you were gone. You went so peacefully, We knew you chose the right home. We knew your skies weren't so blue, And the roads were getting to tough for you. But you fought that fight, and did the best that you could do. The best part was, you didn't die alone. You had friends and loved ones Standing there by your side They were crying and praying Wanting to keep you here But God had a different plan He said your time had come He took away your fear He took away your pain You were no longer in vain You fought the fight and won You went up into the sky You watched as we cried and said our goodbyes As much as we wanted you here We know you are in a better place You get to walk on streets of gold You get to see his face No more sickness, no more tears That you have had through out the years Now you see joy and happiness Instead of sorrow and sadness You watch down with the father above Spreading your wings And sending your love You are now watching us As an angel in heaven You want to tell us not to worry That you are now healthy and full of glory And we will meet again someday But for now we just need to pray And wait for that one joyous say Take it one step at a time Until we too, reach that finish line. -Rachel B.

Just Missing You

Just Missing You When I look into the sky, the first thing that comes to mind is you. I wish to tell you "hi." But all I see is empty clouds of blue. As dark and countless days go by, I think of you in all I do. Sometimes I wonder why, this time it had to be you. I miss you daddy, everyday. I miss your hugs, you great proud smile, I miss these things, I haven't seen in a while. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss your love. I miss the past. Why does life have to change? Why couldn't it just stay the same? But since it happens, and life must go on, God, Will you please tell my daddy, that I love him and miss him so. I'm glad he's happy, even though it was sad to see him go. Tell him his baby girl will make it all the way, and in the end, everything will be okay. That just a few more weary days apart, then you will be forever, always, close to my heart. But until that day comes, I won't drag behind, I'll finish strong until I too, cross that finish line. -Rachel B.